NOTHING SAYS CLASSY LIKE A COUPON

thescene — Wed, 16 May 2007 00:12:00 GMT

Imagine the delight on the stripper's face when you present her not with cash but with a coupon for her "services." I'm sure she’s going to go out of her way to make it an extremely memorable lap dance.

"Hi there, Miss Jade. I tore this out of the free Weekly Newspaper, so can you please expose your breasts to me while sensually grinding your pelvis into my crotch?"

I imagine that they have a special girl who only does coupon lap dances. You go up to some exotic and beautiful dancer (let's pretend she even has real breasts, why not) you present her with your coupon and she smiles.

She says "hold on a sec", turns to one of the other dancers and asks "Chastity, can you go get Shirley? We've got a guy here with a coupon." You're puzzled as the stripper you wanted to gyrate on your lap walks away. Moments later Shirley "The Coupon" Shaffon lumbers out of the back room.

"Mmmm..." says Shirely as she looks you over. "I'm gonna rrrrock your world, stud."

You are paralyzed with fear unable to speak or move.

"I had me some onions for lunch, so excuse my breath, darlin."

Men of the world heed my words. Unless you’re a creepy older gentleman on a budget, I must strongly advise against the use of coupons. The words ‘sexy’ and ‘discount’ should rarely be used in the same breath.